Fallen: A Poem

Looking up at the ceiling…

It’s dark; my head hurts

How did I get here?

I was just standing up for Christ’s sake

Now I’m down here….

And I can’t move

Looking around…

My wife’s laying asleep just feet away

Thank God the door is closed

Or she would once again

See me like this…and her tears would tear into my soul…

Why does this always happen?

All I wanted was some time “alone”.

I mean, after all—I spent the week teaching a class of chaos

In a pandemic

Losing my mind and my will…

I deserve a few hours damn it…

The wine makes me feel like satin,

Like a huge, great blanket of warmth and compassion,

A suit of armor the world can’t break

And I need more

And more

And more

To build up that armor….and keep it tight against the world

But I’m still here–looking at the ceiling…

I’m draped backwards over the bathtub…laying inside

And, as hard as I try, I cannot move.

I can’t call for help—that’s weak

I can’t call  for HER help—it will scare and scar her—AGAIN,

I just lay here

In pain….

Finally, I decide to try one last time

And, I have become an anvil, –but I get to my side, and then to my feet

And find my blood on the walls, and the floor and the tub

And say to myself …..Why?

What happened?

Not this fall in a long line of them—but…what happened to ME?

I’m a teacher for God’s sake,

I teach others and take care of kids—

I can’t even take care of myself

Or my family…

Unless I’m numb.

With all I’ve got, I fix the shower rod,

Now crooked…like my soul has become

And try and mop up the blood and blame it on the dog…

After all he is clumsy;

Then I listen…very carefully for her to cry out or sigh

I hear nothing.

So…I dodged it again

So I think at least because that’s what we drunks tell ourselves

But I know what happened….

I’ll always know

And my head hurts

And m heart hurts

And my Soul hurts

And I’ll have that drink now please…

I’m still not numb.

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