Looking up at the ceiling…
It’s dark; my head hurts
How did I get here?
I was just standing up for Christ’s sake
Now I’m down here….
And I can’t move
My wife’s laying asleep just feet away
Thank God the door is closed
Or she would once again
See me like this…and her tears would tear into my soul…
Why does this always happen?
All I wanted was some time “alone”.
I mean, after all—I spent the week teaching a class of chaos
In a pandemic
Losing my mind and my will…
I deserve a few hours damn it…
The wine makes me feel like satin,
Like a huge, great blanket of warmth and compassion,
A suit of armor the world can’t break
And I need more
To build up that armor….and keep it tight against the world
But I’m still here–looking at the ceiling…
I’m draped backwards over the bathtub…laying inside
And, as hard as I try, I cannot move.
I can’t call for help—that’s weak
I can’t call for HER help—it will scare and scar her—AGAIN,
I just lay here
Finally, I decide to try one last time
And, I have become an anvil, –but I get to my side, and then to my feet
And find my blood on the walls, and the floor and the tub
And say to myself …..Why?
Not this fall in a long line of them—but…what happened to ME?
I’m a teacher for God’s sake,
I teach others and take care of kids—
I can’t even take care of myself
Or my family…
Unless I’m numb.
With all I’ve got, I fix the shower rod,
Now crooked…like my soul has become
And try and mop up the blood and blame it on the dog…
After all he is clumsy;
Then I listen…very carefully for her to cry out or sigh
I hear nothing.
So…I dodged it again
So I think at least because that’s what we drunks tell ourselves
But I know what happened….
I’ll always know
And my head hurts
And m heart hurts
And my Soul hurts
And I’ll have that drink now please…
I’m still not numb.