We used to hold hands together,
You and I,
There was a spark between us; an electricity….
Now those hands are held as fists,
And that spark has gone
Except to cause an explosion.
It’s all my fault, you see.
I tried—God knows, I did;
I didn’t know what else to
Do to get my child out of the zoo
And protect them from the world
My first was ripped away from me;
I stood by, impotent and passive
As he went into the night
With just a bag of items
And my love and heart
While his mother shut the door
And tore him from me.
My second was all I had then,
And to him I swore I would never
Let something like that ever happen again,
To me, to him or to us as father and son…
And I won’t—ever.
I cannot and will not bear that image of him
Having to take a bag
And walk into the world
While Daddy stood by
And did nothing…but watch..
Because he was too impotent and passive
To stop it.
Never again.
Through those years after,
A part of me came forward too..
As years passed, as they tend to do–
Where I grew older and meaner and shouted—
Where I grew older and uglier and pouted
When I said things that were unkind, unfair and unacceptable…
It was another person that reared their
Head through me…
So damaged and broken, I didn’t even see it—
The balance between trying to be someone strong for you
…and someone that I didn’t even recognize
Tipped over and true ugliness spilled out….on you.
And on this morning after—I cannot endure this pain
Nor can you, and you of all, should not,,,
I’ll do my best, I’ll do what you have demanded
As I see it’s my last shot.
And I hope I don’t miss it….
From this point,
And after last night’s explosion of shattered feelings
I’ll be silent and compliant;
No more of this fight—you don’t deserve it
No more of this struggle—I’m not worth it
I’ll know what I am to do
And I will do it…
I will keep my hands still about me
I will not reach for yours;
I will no longer….
I will respect the small spark that still might yet live
And let it’s presence glimmer
And hope it does not snuff itself
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