The morning after….A Poem

We used to hold hands together,

You and I,

There was a spark between us; an electricity….

Now those hands are held as fists,

And that spark has gone

Except to cause an explosion.

It’s all my fault, you see.

I tried—God knows, I did;

I didn’t know what else to

Do to get my child out of the zoo

And protect them from the world

My first was ripped away from me;

I stood by, impotent and passive

As he went into the night

With just a bag of items

And my love and heart

While his mother shut the door

And tore him from me.

My second was all I had then,

And to him I swore I would never

Let something like that ever happen again,

To me, to him or to us as father and son…

And I won’t—ever.

I cannot and will not bear that image of him

Having to take a bag

And walk into the world

While Daddy stood by

And did nothing…but watch..

Because he was too impotent and passive

To stop it.

Never again.

Through those years after,

A part of me came forward too..

As years passed, as they tend to do–

Where I grew older and meaner and shouted—

Where I grew older and uglier and pouted

When I said things that were unkind,  unfair and unacceptable…

It was another person that reared their

Head through me…

So damaged and broken, I didn’t even see it—

The balance between trying to be someone strong for you

…and someone that I didn’t even recognize

Tipped over and true ugliness spilled out….on you.

And on this morning after—I cannot endure this pain

Nor can you, and you of all, should not,,,

I’ll do my best, I’ll do what you have demanded

As I see it’s my last shot.

And I hope I don’t miss it….

From this point,

And after last night’s explosion of shattered feelings

I’ll be silent and compliant;

No more of this fight—you don’t deserve it

No more of this struggle—I’m not worth it

I’ll know what I am to do

And I will do it…

I will keep my hands still about me

I will not reach for yours;

I will no longer….

I will respect the small spark that still might yet live

And let it’s presence glimmer

And hope it does not snuff itself

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